You see, Flavia is not like normal women -- actually, make that not like anything resembling normal humankind. From the time we were young children, she has had a fierce temper and inexplicable powers. The two are not a good combination. I believe that the high point of our relationship was the day when I played a small, humorous, boyish prank on her in response to the completely disrespectful things I heard her saying about me (at my own party, I might add). Being Flavia, she went completely ballistic and used her powers to throw me backwards into a fountain and shove a very large frog in my mouth. Painful, humiliating, and, may I add, utterly disrespectful of my position as second prince of Glemaria. Oh, and frog slime tastes disgusting, for those who were curious.
Naturally, our relationship degenerated from there. I attempted once to stop the ongoing feud with an offer of peace, but Flavia would have done of it. I think she thrives off of conflict. I also suspect that she would be worshiped as a war goddess if we lived in Glurmenistein.
Marriage has not softened Flavia. Ours is a political union, and I use "union" in the loosest sense of the word. It's more like two warring countries being forced to submit to a treaty. She regularly makes odd things happen to me: my bowl of soup suddenly slides away at dinner just as I'm bringing down the spoon, paintings nearly fall on me, my trousers suddenly run away and hide from me when I'm dressing . . . it's a rather lengthy list. One night she managed to turn my pillow into an odd fanged creature -- luckily, the enchantment only lasted a minute, or else I might be minus an earlobe. She claimed it was an accident, but I certainly don't believe her. Being a gentleman, I never retaliate, except of course with occasional (and justified) verbal complaints.
So, that's my life summarized, at the moment. The second prince of one of the most prosperous Known Countries, married to a fiery redhead with powers that she regularly abuses. I also have to put up with her pet dragon, who frequently causes accidental fires. And then there's the issue of my estranged father, who has become a mad despot and wants to kill me. Sometimes I envy the commoners.
Edric- You obviously don't see what you have there. You married a monster-conjuring sorceress with a pet dragon? And you don't want her? You're insane.
ReplyDeleteDoes Flavia have a sister?
So, this is like the second or third time the whole frog-shoving thing has come up. Did you like get warts in your mouth from the slime or something?
ReplyDeleteI want a dragon! Where do you get them?
ReplyDeleteI like frogs. I keep one in a jar in my room...it keeps dying and they don't live after death like people do. I wonder why that is. No one will explain it to me. They seem to think that I can't handle being dead. It is not like I am not used to it. I mean I am dead. SO a pet dead frog is not something that bothers me. But Nora is always throwing out my dead pet frogs, and I have to catch new ones. Nora thinks it is disgusting and something a lady shouldn't do. But I am a little girl not a lady.
Edric, you must teach this harlitan to submit, I suggest regular beatings, perhaps on a scheduled basis, as well as some sort of collar, or bracelet to control her use of her powers. Either that or just have her assassinated. I can help you with either option.
ReplyDeleteThe mother of my first child, the one I actually knew the name of, was a young woman with a taste for magic. She was a wonderful student, it was one of my rare regrets that I had to kill her before she became too powerful, truly gifted that one.
You know, blaming people for spontaneous magical outbursts that are not entirely within their control is not going to solve anything. I've been on the receiving end of that. It's very pointy and totally not fun.
ReplyDeleteYou could try being nice or, I don't know, understanding? Otherwise, I'm pretty sure you deserve whatever amphibians she decides to force feed you.
Umm...I don't think Finnias knows how to be nice or understanding. I'm understanding though, I've had lots of unintentional magical outbursts where people exploded, or caught on fire and died, or had their souls ripped painfully from their bodies to be stored in my nifty soul jar, or were suddenly eaten by giant praying mantis's...mantisi?...So I get it, sometimes you just can't control yourself and something just has to die. It's ok Flavia, we can still be friends.
ReplyDeleteA few corrections are in order.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, Edric, my dear forced-upon-me-against-my-will husband, you neglected to mention that that "boyish prank" entailed putting an extremely wart-covered and slimy frog DOWN THE BACK OF MY DRESS. Against my skin. And I was not even six years old at the time. And as I have told you numerous times, Edric, I had absolutely no control over my powers at that age. Now who honestly believes that Edric was the victim there?
Also, the fanged pillow was indeed an accident. I was trying to use an incantation that would make Edric's teeth grow excessively long in his sleep. On the bright side, the pillow was much more amusing.
Isaac, I do have a sister, but sadly she is only good for decorative purposes. If you want a gorgeous wife without a brain in her head (and no powers), she is available.