Well, Crugesellimus was supposed to post today, at least that's what he told me, but instead he's off sacking villages in the Forest of Giant Hairy Ape-Men Who Eat Their Own Feces. What there is to sack in that place I can't imagine, unless you really just have a hankering need for feces.
This is his mother by the way, and I see that he's taken to using that moniker 'Crugg' here. All of you will stop calling him that RIGHT NOW! I've told that boy a hundred times 'Crugg' is not a suitable name for royalty, especially when used by commoner vermin like you lot.
Flavia, Edric, never mind that last part, from what I read you two are royalty so I'm pleased to meet you and I hope you both have a wonderful day. I'm sure you both realize that 'Crugg' is an unsuitable title for royalty. Crugesellimus's true name is Crugesellimus Vantiminy Aristobulus Pamplimpton Udelsfernie. Of course I don't expect any of you to be decent enough to address him by his full name but Crugesellimus is the minimum which I am willing to accept.
To be honest I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy, thirty-seven years old and all he does is sack this and sack that. He'll come home, 'look mom I conquered such and such a kingdom' but three days later he's 'bored' with it and wants to leave. So much potential completely going to waste, and I don't even want to start about that horrible Gethrugb girl he's dating. I don't care how much he 'likes' her, a slave indentured to an undersecretary of the council of the hells is not, NOT good enough for my Crugesellimus.
The little hussie even plans on marrying my boy, well I'm sure that would be step up in the world for her but I'll have no part of it you hear, it won't happen while I'm still alive. I'll find a way to get that miserable harlots claws out of my boy.
And he lives in a cave! I don't care if 'it's a nice cave mother, it's just like a house, I even made a button that lets me move it anywhere in the world' Goblin Kings Do Not Live In Caves! It's just not proper, and I did so much work to raise that boy well.
I could go on like this for the rest of the day but I suppose that would bore all of you so I'll leave it at that. You WILL refer to him as Crugesellimus, and Finnias dear, if you call my boy deficient one more time I'll be at your home with a host of giants tomorrow to crack your head open and feast upon your brain. Then we'll see which one of you is deficient.
Lantern Hollow Press is overbrimming with vivacious characters who have a lot to say! Come join in the conversations.
Are you kidding me?! I get on to make my post and my mom beat me to it! My MOM! If any of you calls me...calls me THAT NAME even once I will find a way into your world and massacre everyone you've ever loved, liked, or even tolerated ever! And I'll do it with an army of demon spoons from the Hell of a Thousand Forgotten Dinnerware Utensils! Why spoons? Because they HURT MORE!!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe my mother did that to me, I've conquered at least a dozen kingdoms and killed half the Council of the Six Hundred Thousand Hells all by my lonesome. Beat THAT MOM!
And Gethrugb is a fine girl, just because you can't see past her teeth doesn't mean I'm going to listen to you.
I do NOT live in a cave, I live in a six story mansion that I magically built in a pocket dimension that can connect to ANY CAVE IN THE WORLD!!!! You try binding enough demons to do that in TWO DAYS!!!
And Vird is MY MINION, you can't have him even if it is to hunt down some jerk. You couldn't even get to his world with the giants anyway so STOP MAKING STUPID THREATS!!!!!!
And I don't have a hankering for feces or anything else, I needed some herbs, and yes some feces too, for a ritual I'm working on. You know something mom, for the most powerful sorceress of your generation YOU SUCK AT MAGIC!!!
Hey, you with the mommy problems. If you can do half of the stuff you're threatening, than you should have no problem coming up with a spell to kill a shapeshifter.
ReplyDeleteI have a few cases of frag grenades and a quart of unicorn's blood to trade, if you're interested.
Wow. And I thought my mom was annoying. I didn't think I would say this, but I feel sorry for you... CRUGG.
ReplyDeleteSo are those demon-spoons like related to sporks or something?
And I thought I had familial problems! Although my wife did attempt to feed me to a dragon on our honeymoon . . . (and before any one here calls me weak, kindly remember that Flavia has inexplicable magical powers that I do not possess, and that she is a very disturbed and violent woman).
ReplyDeleteEdric, the dragon was a vegetarian. Get over it. And for the record, I am neither violent nor disturbed. Well, no, actually I am a bit disturbed by the fact that I'm married to Edric. Which, by the way, was not my choice.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Crugg, your mother completely explains all of the questions about you that were building up in my mind.
Meg, what are sporks?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure I could come up with something Isaac, it shouldn't even be too hard...oh...oh oh oh...I bet I could make a spell that causes him to randomly shapeshift until he explodes from built up magic residue in his vital organs...that would be funny. I don't know what grenades are but unicorns blood is always good for something...even if its just for spiking the punch at parties, hehehehehehehe...
ReplyDeleteI don't know what Sporks are Meg, so I can't tell you if they're related in any way. And yes, my mother is a horrible person and I probably should have killed her along time ago...but she's my mom...I just can't bring myself to do that.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why familial relations are stopping you. I killed my mother when I left home. My father too, I needed the money from their stash to begin my travels. You should just kill her and be done with it.
ReplyDeleteSporks are, well, things between spoons and forks. I suppose they're about as evil and downright wrong as utensils can get. I would guess Finnias here has some silver plated ones.
ReplyDeleteSpoons? Forks? And their probably illegitimate offspring that you are calling sporks? Really? This is what people are using to kill each other nowadays?
ReplyDeleteI am so not impressed. Try being hunted by a demonic pitchfork with a creepy green eye while you're wandering around dream world and then tell me that a spoon hurts more.
Ooo, OOO, there's a hell with demon pitchforks, its the hell of a thousand unwanted farming implements, did you go there Mikaela?
ReplyDeleteHaha little girl, no I don't have any silver plate sporks, but so funny you are. I might have to find your uncles house and burn it down just so you can NEVER come home.
ReplyDeleteIllegitimate evil eating utensils and demonic pitchforks? Clearly there are a great many more hostile enchanted objects than I had ever imagined. Mealtimes must be quite frightening in your countries. Here in Glemaria, our utensils do nothing other than their intended use, unless one knows an incantation to use on them.
ReplyDeleteCould someone please send me one of these evil sporks? Edric's birthday is coming up soon and I never do know what to get him.
Do not fear, most honored lady! Nobbley will fight to the death these tricky enemy utensils. They shall not see the sight of the fine, fiery Princess Flavia. Nobbley shall defeat them, just as me did the fearsome blandenshnarges! Nobbley does not know utensils, but me shall find and destroy them all! The utensils shall run in fear from mighty Nobbley!
ReplyDeleteI think the best place to look for sporks are in the Land of Muchsnowia, where they're always hopping around looking for a "bean of power" or something like that.
ReplyDelete... ... I don't know what your talking about Meg, but I don't like beans, they disagree with me.
ReplyDelete