My Idiot Son

Well, Crugesellimus was supposed to post today, at least that's what he told me, but instead he's off sacking villages in the Forest of Giant Hairy Ape-Men Who Eat Their Own Feces. What there is to sack in that place I can't imagine, unless you really just have a hankering need for feces.
This is his mother by the way, and I see that he's taken to using that moniker 'Crugg' here. All of you will stop calling him that RIGHT NOW! I've told that boy a hundred times 'Crugg' is not a suitable name for royalty, especially when used by commoner vermin like you lot.
Flavia, Edric, never mind that last part, from what I read you two are royalty so I'm pleased to meet you and I hope you both have a wonderful day. I'm sure you both realize that 'Crugg' is an unsuitable title for royalty. Crugesellimus's true name is Crugesellimus Vantiminy Aristobulus Pamplimpton Udelsfernie. Of course I don't expect any of you to be decent enough to address him by his full name but Crugesellimus is the minimum which I am willing to accept.
To be honest I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy, thirty-seven years old and all he does is sack this and sack that. He'll come home, 'look mom I conquered such and such a kingdom' but three days later he's 'bored' with it and wants to leave. So much potential completely going to waste, and I don't even want to start about that horrible Gethrugb girl he's dating. I don't care how much he 'likes' her, a slave indentured to an undersecretary of the council of the hells is not, NOT good enough for my Crugesellimus.
The little hussie even plans on marrying my boy, well I'm sure that would be step up in the world for her but I'll have no part of it you hear, it won't happen while I'm still alive. I'll find a way to get that miserable harlots claws out of my boy.
And he lives in a cave! I don't care if 'it's a nice cave mother, it's just like a house, I even made a button that lets me move it anywhere in the world' Goblin Kings Do Not Live In Caves! It's just not proper, and I did so much work to raise that boy well.
I could go on like this for the rest of the day but I suppose that would bore all of you so I'll leave it at that. You WILL refer to him as Crugesellimus, and Finnias dear, if you call my boy deficient one more time I'll be at your home with a host of giants tomorrow to crack your head open and feast upon your brain. Then we'll see which one of you is deficient.