Why The Monkeys?

So I was wandering around in the Forest of Giant Hairy Ape-Men Who Eat Their Own Feces today because...well...because I was bored and the Ape-Men are actually pretty good conversationalists despite their breath. Anyway I was trying to find their camp so I could have someone to talk to other than Olef, he's been on this whole kick about magic actually being the manipulation of atoms and porons or morons...something like that. I have no idea what he's talking about and he won't talk about anything else so I just can't talk to him right now and I was getting a little bored talking to myself.

I was going to summon up Gilly...that's Gilderoy...for some news about the 600,000 hells, then I remembered that I bound him into my teapot. In retrospect that might have been a hasty decision on my part, Gilly is a pretty good source of infernal information, but hey...at least my tea's always hot.

So anyway, I was wondering around in the Forest of Giant Hairy Ape-Men Who Eat Their Own Feces and I wasn't getting anywhere. I mean, you wouldn't think a whole village of giant stinking Ape-Men would be that hard to find, even if they do move around a lot. Then I came across this clearing with two or three dead Ape-Men on the ground and hundreds of monkeys with their heads ripped off. It was the weirdest thing, seriously, hundreds of monkey all missing their heads...where'd the heads go?

Well, one of the Ape-Men wasn't quite as dead as I thought he was, actually he wasn't dead at all, just a little woozy with a nasty bump on his head. He told me that the chief of the Ape-Men had declared war on all the monkeys in the Forest of Giant Hairy Ape-Men Who Eat Their Own Feces. The Ape Men were currently on the warpath slaughtering clans of monkeys everywhere they could find them.

I asked him why they were killing all the monkeys and he said he didn't know, the chief just up and decided that all the monkeys had to die. Why the monkeys? I don't get it.

Demons In The Tea-Pot

Well, I was sitting here trying to figure out what to post today and talking with No-One-In-Particular, he's a not...uh...he doesn't exist. Yeah...it's a thing. Anyway we were just sitting chatting about what I should post today because nothing has really been happening lately, I mean, there was the village...I think I posted something about that already...and then there was a skirmish between the Civilized Orc Nation of Breezy Pants, they get a little testy if you shorten the name, and the Ogres of Thompson's Gulch...I know, weird name but it was named after this really clumsy girl who tripped over a blade of grass and fell all the way down the mountain...she didn't look right when she got to the bottom...and she wasn't moving. But there were only like...2000 people involved in that so, no biggy.
So, having nothing to type about I summoned up Gilly...uh...that's Gilderoy Amphersand Palonius Asterick Kevlar Mastectomy...he named himself...I think he just kind of picked words that he thought sounded cool...and then put them together. Anyway, he's a demon poodle who likes to pretend he's important. I brought him up to see what was going on in the six hundred thousand hells, you know, to see if anything interesting was going on, No-One-In-Particular's idea. He was...mad about that...mostly 'cause I pulled him out of a poker game he was winning with a few other demons, something about '700 tortured souls riding on the last card and then poof'...he complained so much that I bound him into my tea-pot...I've been needing a new heater for it anyway, the last one escaped when Olef dropped the pot into my summoning circle.
It was so his fault, I know...I left the horse entrails on the floor, but still...his fault.
So, now I'm posting about the fact that Gilly will be warming my tea for the next ten years or so. I've been threatening to do this for a while when he doesn't cooperate so I suppose it's about time I made good on it.
Anyway... ... ...I'm hungry, I'm gonna go eat now.

My Idiot Son

Well, Crugesellimus was supposed to post today, at least that's what he told me, but instead he's off sacking villages in the Forest of Giant Hairy Ape-Men Who Eat Their Own Feces. What there is to sack in that place I can't imagine, unless you really just have a hankering need for feces.
This is his mother by the way, and I see that he's taken to using that moniker 'Crugg' here. All of you will stop calling him that RIGHT NOW! I've told that boy a hundred times 'Crugg' is not a suitable name for royalty, especially when used by commoner vermin like you lot.
Flavia, Edric, never mind that last part, from what I read you two are royalty so I'm pleased to meet you and I hope you both have a wonderful day. I'm sure you both realize that 'Crugg' is an unsuitable title for royalty. Crugesellimus's true name is Crugesellimus Vantiminy Aristobulus Pamplimpton Udelsfernie. Of course I don't expect any of you to be decent enough to address him by his full name but Crugesellimus is the minimum which I am willing to accept.
To be honest I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy, thirty-seven years old and all he does is sack this and sack that. He'll come home, 'look mom I conquered such and such a kingdom' but three days later he's 'bored' with it and wants to leave. So much potential completely going to waste, and I don't even want to start about that horrible Gethrugb girl he's dating. I don't care how much he 'likes' her, a slave indentured to an undersecretary of the council of the hells is not, NOT good enough for my Crugesellimus.
The little hussie even plans on marrying my boy, well I'm sure that would be step up in the world for her but I'll have no part of it you hear, it won't happen while I'm still alive. I'll find a way to get that miserable harlots claws out of my boy.
And he lives in a cave! I don't care if 'it's a nice cave mother, it's just like a house, I even made a button that lets me move it anywhere in the world' Goblin Kings Do Not Live In Caves! It's just not proper, and I did so much work to raise that boy well.
I could go on like this for the rest of the day but I suppose that would bore all of you so I'll leave it at that. You WILL refer to him as Crugesellimus, and Finnias dear, if you call my boy deficient one more time I'll be at your home with a host of giants tomorrow to crack your head open and feast upon your brain. Then we'll see which one of you is deficient.