Then I found this other story with a big house that stuff moves around in. Nice girl lives there, Meggie or Maggie, or maybe her name was Matilda-Marlene -- anyhow, I dressed up this merry fellow she had living in her wall and put around a few surprises for her to find. She's got a neat pet, too -- some furry critter with real big ears. Been thinking maybe I might do something with 'em; you know, tie 'em in a knot, turn 'em green, something along those lines.
Oh, and what a load of sugarippidity fun I've been having with universities! Hee hee, those announcement systems were made for someone like me! Those students'll believe anything! I went to a college football game while I was at it; the game got a little dull, so I put a dizziness spell on all the players. Hee hee, that was the best game I ever watched!
Ooh, and guess what I did at a coupla colleges down in Florida . . . erased the transcripts of all the senior math and engineering majors! Then I changed a few classifications; you know, made some grad students into freshmen, altered the spring schedules a bunch of the kids are registered for . . . hee hee hee, that one was the best! Betcha those sports management majors are gonna be scratching their heads wondering why they signed up for advanced calculus, French literature, and underwater basket-weaving! I even signed up some home economics majors for nihilist philosophy! Then I played around with the teaching schedules for the professors, too! Ooh, I just can't wait to show up in the spring to glory in all the chaos!
Well sir, after all that fun yesterday, I just didn't know how to top it today. I mean, how do you rival kurgledoggle jokes like those? I figured I'd have me some more laughs mucking about in other people's stories, so I went down to my favorite spot in the world, the public library. There's always loads to do there! You know, use my magic adhesive to glue folks to bookshelves, set off fire alarms, turn the librarian into a goat for a little while . . . ah, the happy memories! Almost makes me tear up a bit; I'm sentimental that way sometimes. Well, I figured I'd go play in a classic for a while; they call 'em classics for a reason, you know. So, I broke into ole Mal DaPone's favorite novel, Moby Dick. You know, the story about that big fish or whale or whatever the critter is?
I was planning to trap the critter into a fishbowl, but then I had a better idea. I gave him a big ole bottle full of hair-growth serum. Hee hee, ever seen a hairy whale before? Boy did that critter splash about in fright! And that sea captain . . . well sir, he just isn't near as brave as folks may think. You'd think he never saw a whale with long, Rapunzel-like blond curls! Well, come to think of it, I guess most people haven't . . . hmm. Guess I judged him too harshly. Anyhow, the whale got sorta depressed about the whole business, wasn't having near the fun I was, so I got to feeling sorry for him. I mean, he was just too fat to pull off that look! So, I gave him some shrinking potion. Or at least, I meant to. In my defense, my pockets got awful wet from all that seawater, so how was I to help it if a few labels fell off of bottles? Anyhow, what I gave that whale was clearly not shrinking potion:
Oops.Aw well, that big fish was getting kinda corny, after all these years. The novel needed a more exciting conclusion!
Hi-ho, time to go play with the United States Postal Service. Those folks could use a little stirring up . . . now whatever did I do with that hurricane-in-a-bottle that I used to have?
My, what a ridiculous creature you are- I dearly hope you do not end up touring my world, I would not want you to disturb any of my delicate instruments or volatile experiments, many of which could be potentially deadly if disturbed- I've had an unfortunate habit of setting things on fire recently. It's a good thing I installed those Fire-dowse runes. My work represents a good many years of diligent study, you know.
ReplyDeleteUncle, what are you doing- you know saying that's just going to entice his interest, don't you? I mean, bloody sky, why didn't you tell him about MY experiments while you were at it. On second thought, go ahead. Most of mine involve Sleepthorn runes and other paralyzing traps- Breen, you're welcome to come by and fiddle with those.
ReplyDelete